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In some ways, I’ve been taking care of my mom for all of my life, but financially? Well, that started around 13 years ago, when she was on the brink of homelessness.
What went wrong? Mostly her health (very bad) and also her savings and investments (there weren’t any).
It’s a long story, and all you really need to know is this: my mom is a beautiful human and I love her so, so much. Many people do; but I was the only one who could help, or rather, the only one who stepped up to help when she was in dire straits.
And by stepping up, I mean giving her money.
In the past 12 years or so, I (41) have given my mother (75), around $20,000. Everything from vet bills to save her antiquity of a chihuahua to complex dentistry work that Medicare doesn’t cover, I’ve funded.
I don’t like giving my mom money because I don’t have a lot of it, and I openly complain about my benevolence, which sort of defeats the point of being benevolent, and causes people to ask, “Doesn’t your mom get Social Security?”
She does.
“Isn’t it enough?”
No.
People also ask, “Why are you making your mom’s financial problems your responsibility?” It’s a fair question, but I don’t really know how to answer it without bringing my therapist into this. I suppose it all boils down to some pity-guilt-loyalty situation with a lightning bolt of mother-daughter attachment issues shooting through it.
Though financially assisting my mom is stressful and draining (especially while also physically care-giving for and sheltering her), I haven’t let it land me in debt.
I practice frugal living and do the following seven things to help my mom without hurting myself.
Shop Online, Pick-Up in Person
My mom is physically disabled and can’t get around on her own. This makes for the perfect storm of online shopping and delivery.
My mom puts up a tremendous fight about my rule that we don’t get stuff delivered to our home if there’s a shipping fee. If there is a fee and there’s an option to pick up in person, I do that to save money.
Thanks!
Use Coupons and Cashback Apps
I relentlessly search for coupons ahead of shopping and take advantage of cashback apps during checkout.
I do not do a single online search for a product or service without using a cashback browser extension (Rakuten is my personal favorite).
My mom isn’t at all tech savvy, so I take her list and do her shopping for her. She reimburses me what she can from her Social Security money.
Have Only One Credit Card and Pay Off in Full Monthly
I have only one credit card. My husband also has only one credit card. We each pay off our balances in full every month.
This is a pro move for any household who wants to avoid racking up high-interest debt, but it’s non-negotiable for financial caregivers like me.
Having only one credit card each helps me and my spouse keep close track of our spending.
Buy Groceries in Bulk
Of course, not everything can be bought in bulk, but quite a lot can be. I signed up for a Costco membership and trek over there to stock up on bulk grocery buys for the whole family, mama included, every other week.
Meal Plan and Prep
It wasn’t until I became a mother in 2022 that I learned the arduous beauty of meal planning and prepping. Every Saturday evening, I — along with my mom and husband — make a meal plan for the week.
My husband and I prep as much food as we can on Sunday night for the remainder of the week. This helps encourage us to eat at home more as most of the work is done.
I Opt for Thoughtful Gifts Instead of Expensive Ones
My parents raised me to put a lot of thought into gift giving. Fortunately, thought isn’t expensive — at least not in a financial sense.
Around this time of year, when retailers are pressuring us to shop ’til we drop in the name of showing the people we love that we do in fact love them, it’s useful to shift into thought over price.
What this means: I take time to really think about what my loved ones would like that doesn’t cost much money. Maybe it’s a donation to a charity they care about, or maybe it’s a handmade collage of their favorite popstar.
It’s a challenging but satisfying exercise that always pays off without causing me to overspend.
Stay Grateful
My mom is currently battling a rare type of cancer. In fact, she’s having her second chemo infusion as I write this. It’s a cruel, brutal and humiliating experience for her to endure and one that is painful to walk her through as a now-only child.
I try to stay grounded in gratitude. I remind myself often that I’m lucky I have the means to help my mom, and I’m lucky she’s around to receive my help.
Remaining grateful plays a role in my financial health as much as it does my general health because it helps me stay centered, which helps me keep my eye on the prize.
The prize? Being of service to someone I love.
As I said, I do complain a lot about it, but for me, there’s no more meaningful investment than being here for my mom in her time of need.
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